Almost everyone who knew me back in high school thought I was going to be a writer. When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian. As I grew older and fell in love with reading and writing, I really wanted to be a high school English teacher. God had different plans for me. At times I forget that I am not defined by my lack of a "profession", that just because I don't "work" outside of the house or have a job that pays me in money, that I am worth less than a woman who financially contributes to her family. It's very easy to fall into that trap at times. I have to remind myself at times that being a mother is the highest calling from God and that not every woman is blessed with that honor. I have to remind myself that I do more than wash laundry and make lunches....that I am shaping the lives of two human beings. That the values, ideas, morals I am instilling in my boys will determine the kinds of men they will grow up to be. I know that I am blessed to have this very important job. And although it is nerve wracking at times, scary, confusing, trying, never ending...I wouldn't trade this for the world. Because of my boys, I have become a better person....I strive to be a better person...every day...every minute. Because of them, I have had the opportunity to experience a love like no other. A love so big that at times it literally makes my heart hurt. It's a scary kind of love because two pieces of my heart are walking around outside my body every day and I can't always be with them to protect them and I have to leave that in God's hands and trust that He loves them even more than I do. I'm not going to lie and say that being a mother is always sunshine and rainbows because with a preteen and a stubborn, strong willed six year old...it's NOT! There are days when I want nothing more than to hide in a hole somewhere, in the dark, quiet where no one is calling me "mommy" or asking for something from me because at times I feel like I give and give until there's nothing more of me to give anyone...not even myself. But when I look at these sweet little faces, when I hear their voices saying "I love you", when I feel their arms around me and I know that even though they don't always listen and they may roll their eyes at me and mumble things under their breath, they love me....they really, truly love me. And they depend on me....for everything....I am taken back, and I am honored...and it is all worth it :)
